empty

ever feels like u r empty inside?thats what im feeling right now..or to put it more accurately i cant quite define or put into words how i am feeling..after the most happening month passed..i feel empty.i put this down to anxiety..i had lotsa thinking to do my head feels like bursting...but nothing reach my heart..it is as hollow as a dark tunnel..

by this i mean there's nothing i really whole heartedly wanna do anymore..

my head tells me my biological clock is ticking..and ticking fast..go and fall in love..quick!before you get too comfy in your singlehood (which i seriously FEEL im already doing)..im never the chaser type..too proud to do so and think it doesnt work that way..and i think too much if i smell the smallest trouble with someone i block my feelings off and switch into 'friends mode'...which is really fun and trouble-free..and im loving it..what scares me is the fact that im already getting excited with a plan to adopt cambodian infant if im still single by the time i turn 40..gosh i'll give mama a heart attack if i tell her this..

my head nags that i have to plan my career..almost made my mind to further in obs yet i am not quite sure i even answered logically if not correctly in the last obs n gynae exam..am getting fidgety looking at my trembling hands everytime i wanna give local anaesthetic..my blank mind struggle to figure out the diagnosis of a patient..am i really gonna be out there treating the ills in 10 months time?and where will i be by then?dublin?sabak bernam?lahad datu?alone?with friends?with family?my other half?i never faced so much uncertainty before i feel lost..since im stucked in my final year all i can do is study..yeah for the time being i'll do that..

friends..my head said friends come and go..its a circle of life..you've been thru it you knew how it is..with the final year of school rolling meaning tons of goodbyes are coming my way..i accept this fact..it is just that it doesnt feel real..that one day i wont be hearing their voices quarelling..wont be picking and tasting food from their plates..sharing their thoughts and opinion..or even simply getting mad over their innocent snore when i have bouts of insomnia..my eyes tried to capture their every feature and detail now..so when they are gone,their tears and laughters wont be away from my heart..

i left Cambodia with thousands of feelings at first it overflowed and now im drained out..for tonite what i feel is emptiness..hopefully tomorrow i'll wake up to a more humanly feeling..i wish i will feel more than i think