pretty ugly =(

im sitting in the kitchen of my second house..alone.everybody else has gone to bed.Hani's here too..i guess the spell of this house has bounded her too hehe.well, i dunno how to put it... i just realised there's something ugly about me..something that even that i know in every neurones in my senile brain..i couldnt avoid or run or hide from it.No matter how hard i tried,it will still be there..engrave in my very being.It is something pretty ugly..something that could be crystal clear to those who are close enough to me..or even to someone who takes some time and watch me closely.All these while mama and a few others who knew this side of me still said that i havent step over the line,that im grant,i have a good soul...and it only happens if someone hurt me first..but i know i cant settle with this 'ugly' me...it doesnt feel right though i didnt go ask for the thing that can reveal this side of me to happen..i always can justify that its a type of defence mechanism..but im a muslim..i shouldnt have an ugly me..i guess i should try harder..i know its an obligation..God, help me..