of death and desperation

i never imagined i would need to pronounce death before i actually start working

few days ago at about quarter to seven pm mama was called by auntie X."ade baby meninggal a couple of doors away meh tolong akak" was all i heard so thot takpe tak kenal let mama went alone.both mama and aunt X came back for maghrib prayer, then off they went again.btw aunt X is apparently someone who's well verse in pengurusan jenazah explaining why she was the one called in the first place.

15 mins later mama called sis..asking me to go where the house is.SIS:" depa x sure baby tuh dah meninggal blom..kakak pi check cepat!"

why the hell dont they go to the hospital?? was my immediate response

while changing hastily i tried to rack my brain on how to resus the baby if it so happened to be alive.rusty senile brain i had then (sadly now too)...it was so hard to think what i should check just to make sure the baby's dead.

anyway went to the house..baby was a beatiful baby girl in the centre of the living room.with trembling hands i started checking her breathing,listen to her heart and i think what i heard was my own pulse..eyes didnt react.she's a newborn..born at home 4 hours earlier..mum was not in sight so i asked to talk to her.weirdly in her culture mums who just gave birth are not allowed to lie down so she was sitting on a hard chair in one of the rooms.took her history..simply anything that i could remember.just to ascertain that the baby was a stillborn.only then i felt safe to say "ok,die dah takde"

i sat there just a mere spectator watching aunt X n mama mandikan n kafankan the baby..little angel.i was in awe of her mum's extraordinary strength..not a tear shed.i expected someone in her shoes to meroyan.

it was a wake up call for me

of how important to be calm and collected to handle a delicate situation as such..my tongue was tied at times..what to say to the family..

of the responsibility i have going down this path

of how strong i should hold to my faith and asked guidance from the Almighty in every step

it stopped me from concentrating on trivial matters..the uncertainties i so enjoyed to entertain then make myself worry..

it reminded me that i can go anytime too

why did they call me not other doctors we have in this area??
it was out of desperation..i was their only shot