hmmm

camden,5.57am

i cant pretend to sleep anymore.
a few days ago hani asked a very simple question ' ko tanak apply keje sini ke? '
dlm hati i said..' aku rase nak cekik ko '

after the mater dinner night ie the night we got our results-3rd of may to be precised-all of us havent been as happy or elated as we thought we wud be..
not even half relief..at least for me.

we had a taste of the birocracy in Malaysia..we started to doubt our decision to go home.
if people treat u like 'toilets' overseas..its kinda expected.at least the pay is good.but money is not everything..though i see now it is most of the things.
if we go home, we know beforehand we are gonna be treated like toilets.but i have all the reasons line up- why i chose to go home in the first place.

why the bother?we have the alternative to stay..we are entitled to it..however slight the chance is..emails fr sinead on intern jobs kept pouring..hence the constant nagging at the back of our heads.

last nite while im pretending to sleep..i knew.this unsettled feeling is just fear.fear of the unknown.
we are so used to planning our lives..and everything has gone according to plan.
after upsr,u knew u were gonna be sent to a brilliant school.
u knew u would get all As in PMR.
after ur SPM u knew u r gonna get a place in a U overseas.
u knew u worked hard to graduate on time.
and u did.
now the luxury of knowing what's the next step in life is gone
hence the fear..

thanks to Mr Unta..we have a medium to channel our fear.in the form of words firing like machine guns out of our mouths..spending time reading the long forgotten agreement to find a loop hole..crashing our heads to find the best Malay sentences to relay our messages.Thank you Mr Unta..for distracting our thoughts away from the fear

In time like this I really miss Syikin..i need to see her reassuring face..'the face' others cant imitate.

i know it all comes down to qada' and qadar..i've always understood that part of faith and i should.probably i have so much time in hand..so layan je any mengada thoughts that mess my head.